How to Deal with Your Acting-Up Teenager: Practical Self-Help for Desperate Parents
Chapter 5: Breaking the mutual safety arrangement
by Drs. Jean and Robert Bayard
NOTE from Dona Bayard Sauerburger:
This is a chapter from a book written by my parents, Jean and Robert Bayard, both psychologists who spent many years helping families with teenagers deal with crises (when Robert died, Jean changed her name to Jean-Robert).
When I read their manuscript, I was raising my children and this chapter was my favorite.
The first 4 chapters are about putting the problem with your teenager into perspective; giving your teenager responsibility for his/her own life; and dealing with the challenges of doing this.
This chapter talks about taking care of yourself and fulfilling your own daring possibilities, while encouraging your teenager to do the same.
But when I got a copy of the published book, this chapter was missing!
When I asked what happened to it, my mother told me that Dad said it wasn't needed and they decided to delete it.
I wonder now whether fathers, who are expected to have a career outside the home, don't tend to have as much of a problem as mothers do with pursuing their own life and interests when their children have grown.
Anyway, this book has been published in a dozen countries and many languages, and thankfully these other publications include this chapter.
Reading this chapter now, after more than 30 years, I realize that this is where Dr. Jean Bayard first introduced the powerful concept of Honoring your Daring Thought, featured in her extraordinary book How to think if you want to change the world: Spiritual practices for social activism.
I am posting the chapter here for those who have a copy of the book that does not include it. Enjoy!
We've talked now about several factors that may be making it difficult for you to drop your control over the kid's-life items.
In Chapter 3 we looked at some ideas you may have had about how a good parent should act.
In Chapter 4 we looked at how your teenager may be getting safety out of your efforts to control and how he or she may actually do things in order to provoke that control.
After all this, however, you may still be having some difficulty in giving up the idea that it's your job to control your son or daughter. Why?
Let's look at what controlling your teenager does for you. Because strangely enough, much of what we said in the last chapter about the child's fears of doing his or her own thing and the use of outer controls to save him or her from it is very likely to apply to you as well.
We've said that the business of having to choose between doing our own thing and using the ready-made decisions does not apply just to teenagers.
It goes on all through life - including the point you are at now.
In fact, it seems to us it may be especially acute for you at this particular time of your life.
Difficulty in making this choice comes to a peak at certain crucial times of our lives.
Adolescence is one.
The time when one's offspring leave childhood and begin entering adulthood is another.
This is a natural crisis time for you because right now a change in your identity is impending.
For years a part of that identity has been 'I'm a person who is responsible for bringing up children.'
However easy or hard that has been for you, you've at least become used to it; it's familiar.
Now hints are reaching you that a different way of living is on the way.
Your child doesn't need you in the way that he or she used to, and that frees you - for who knows what new possibilities?
It's as though the cage door has swung open and a changed situation, with all its pluses and minuses, is waiting for you.
There's a new freedom out there; things are going to be different and you will be deciding how your life will be then.
This prospect of change and new freedom has been there all along as your relationship with your child changed from babyhood to adolescence, but it takes on a greater vividness when your child gets this close to adulthood, and this makes your situation a crisis.
You may very well experience the two feelings the lion did: 1) an eagerness to jump into the new and different life, and 2) a reluctance, scaredness and sadness about it.
We are writing very seriously about this crisis and the difficulty for you of choosing between your own original ideas and ready-made ones.
What we've described may not seem to fit your situation exactly, but if you are feeling troubled in some way, it's very likely that at some level you are indeed becoming aware of new possibilities of doing your own thing and are also a little afraid of them.
The wish for something to save ourselves from our own new possibilities is often very strong.
Now, you may remember we said that adolescents, who are in the same kind of position, save themselves from doing their own thing by trying to get others to take over control of them.
Adults do this too.
Let's look at how this works.
People save themselves from doing their own thing by, first of all, thinking in a certain way.
It is a four-step thought sequence, and it goes as follows:
1) The first step is to experience the beginning of a daring thought. An idea occurs to you of something you might like to do, or be, or have.
I might
go into politics
become an anthropologist . . . a dancer!
drive to the beach this afternoon
get myself a new coat
take up fencing . . . (or Swahili . . . or embroidery . . .}
take a nap
feel happy!
2) Second is a sensation of panic -- or at least something we interpret as panic and act upon as if it were panic.
Often very tiny, hardly noticeable (because we so quickly get rid of it), it can also be overwhelmingly strong.
It is definitely related to the daring thought, it says about it, 'Dangerous!'
3) The third step is to think of something that makes the first step impossible. It starts with a phrase like, 'But I can't because...', 'If I didn't have to...', or 'If it weren't for...' and then adds something that limits you.
But I can't because:
there's no time.
I don't have the right clothes.
If I didn't have to:
do the dishes.
support a family.
earn a living.
If it weren't for:
my spouse.
my children.
expenditure cuts.
the way I was brought up.
And so on.
This is the step in which you pick out some factor and set it up as controlling, or limiting you.
This step cancels out the daring possibility of Step 1, and makes you feel safe again.
4) The fourth step is a feeling of frustration which you experience as having to do with Step 3, even though a psychotherapist might see it as more truly stemming from disappointment that the beautiful, daring thought of Step 1 is being rejected.
At this point, then, you have some not-so-pleasant feeling 'about' the item in Step 3:
Resentment.
Unhappiness.
Worry
Guilt
Depression.
A trapped feeling.
And again, this frustrated feeling can be on any intensity, from very mild to nearly overwhelming.
It serves to shore up and maintain Step 3 in order to keep the daring thought safely smothered, and it is exactly as intense as it needs to be to accomplish this.
Thus, the more intense this unpleasant feeling, the more intense and daring we assume the original Step 1 thought to have been.
The complete sequence, then, goes something like this:
Maybe I could do my own thing.
But that's worrying.
Aha! I see that I can't do my thing because of this limiting factor. How frustrating that limiting factor is!
As far as awareness goes, however, we tend to gloss over and forget the first two steps and remain very much aware of the last two.
This makes sense, for these last two steps have only one reason for being.
They are designed exactly to keep you in such impasse, pain and conflict that you can't remember and certainly can't act upon Thought 1.
Thus you end up being aware only of: 'I'm so frustrated by this limiting factor!'
Now, if you are dissatisfied enough with this kind of experience, it is possible and desirable to work your way back to the first thought and start the whole thought sequence again, in the direction of fulfilling it somehow rather than crushing it.
We'll talk more about ways of doing this in the next chapter.
Right now, we want to consider what kind of thing you may be doing in your Step 3.
People can choose anything they like to fill in Step 3, whether or not it make sense or is appropriate.
Actually, nothing they pick is going to be really appropriate anyway, because the whole thought sequence is irrational.
In practice, we all tend to pick whatever factor is most convenient, and blame our failure to do our own thing on it.
And in families, parents are one of the factors most convenient for children to use for Step 3, and children are available for parents.
In other words, if you're like most parents, it's very tempting to use something about your child or the way he or she behaves in Step 3 in order to save yourself from doing your own thing.
I can't
enjoy myself
do what I'd like
have some privacy
be an artist
because
my teenager won't behave and it's my job to see that he or she does.
We're suggesting, in short, that you may be saving yourself from doing your own thing by trying to control your child.
This safety from your own deepest wishes is what you can gain by trying to keep the controls over your child, and that's another big reason why it's so hard to drop those controls.
Meanwhile, you may recall from Chapter 4 that the child is getting safety from doing his or her own thing by pushing you to take over control.
It begins to look very much like a mutual arrangement in which each of you saves the other from being free to do your own, original thing.
Unfortunately, we think each of you does more for the other than simply saving him or her.
You pass the fear onto each other, too.
People's attitudes are contagious.
When you see someone who's unafraid, you're likely to feel more able and courageous too, and when you see someone cowering in fear, you're likely to experience a pang of fear yourself.
As long as you and your child are in this arrangement, each of you are showing the other that you are afraid of doing your own thing, and in a sense, you pass that fright onto the other.
Each is giving the other the message:
It's unsafe to do one's own thing.
Self-initiated behavior is dangerous and frightening.
It's safer to go along with other people's opinions, commands, ideas, than with one's own.
Each is telling the other, 'You should not run your own life.' The parent's behavior says to the child:
You should be run by me, not by yourself.
The child's behavior says to the parent,
You should run me, not yourself.
Thus not only do parent and child save each other from doing their own things, but each influences the other to be even more afraid of Step 1 thoughts.
This mutual safety arrangement usually develops into a routine in which both sides have definite parts and act them out over and over again on cues from each other.
The kid usually has the roles of being rebel and fugitive, telling lies, conning the parent, feeling unjustly dominated.
The parent has the roles of giving orders, interrogating, presenting explanations and lectures the adolescent has already heard before, playing detective, scolding and punishing, and feeling cheated, frustrated, worried.
Mandy (15) misses school to smoke pot with friends.
Her mother scolds, pleads, or punishes.
Mandy feels bad and guilty and says she won't do it again.
Mother feels relieved.
Three days later Mandy misses school to go swimming with friends.
Mother scolds, pleads, or punishes.
Mandy feels bad and agrees to go to school.
The next week she misses school to go and wander around the shops.
Dave (14) steals money from his mother's purse.
Mother feels frustrated and worried and lectures him about morality.
Dave cries and agrees to reform.
Mother leaves her purse lying around the house.
Dave steals from it. Mother lectures him.
Dave says he will change his ways.
Jackie (16) comes home late for supper.
Her father feels hurt and asks her why.
She says she didn't have a watch.
He explains lengthily that she could use friends' watches or hear the time on the radio.
A week later, she is again late but 'just happens' to be seen walking past the house in the direction of the local park about fifteen minutes after suppertime.
Her father goes out to look for her and can't find her.
When she does arrive, father interrogates her, keeps her in again and feels extremely frustrated.
We're saying that all of the behaviors in these examples, both parents and teenagers, actually serve to keep both parent and teenager in a desperate, struggling situation.
Of course, no parent sees it this way while running through these routines, any more than the child does.
You don't purposely decide you're going to perpetuate a miserable situation for you and your son or daughter just for the fun of it.
You run through these responses automatically, and are not aware that you are actually keeping the situation going as it is by saying and doing exactly what you are.
You are playing a ping-pong game while in a stupor, in actual fact you're one-half responsible for keeping the game going by continuing to hit the ball back, but you don't know you're doing it.
We want you to wake up from the stupor, become aware that your responses do influence the way things go, and take responsibility for running your side of the game according to the way you want it to go.
The four-step habit of thinking we're talking about in this chapter can be changed, it's a possible and basically straightforward task to learn to think differently, and your doing so would be beneficial for both you and your child.
It's clear that thinking without so many limitations would free you to fulfil more of your own, unique possibilities in life.
At the same time, if you were thinking in a more effective way, you would be giving your child a model of courage.
Since courage is as contagious as fear, you would be influencing him or her to be courageous too, and to use his or her own decision-making ability just as you would be using yours.
We'll be talking further about ways of thinking more effectively.
Straight away, though, to begin getting yourself out of whatever Step-3 use you may have been making of your son or daughter, we suggest you do the following:
1. Sit down and, taking your time, decide what you would best like to do if you were given an absolutely free half hour every once in a while -- a half-hour during which there were no demands on you excepting only that you were to enjoy and feel free in what you did.
A half-hour just for you, with no demands -- how would you spend it?
Here are some answers parents we worked with have come up with:
Work with my macrame that I haven't touched for months.
Lie in a deck-chair and just enjoy doing nothing
Go to the library and browse around
Cook something nice and eat it.
Potter in my workshop.
Soak in the bath with a good mystery book.
Take a drive.
Make sure that the thing you decide on is something you enjoy simply because it's fun for you, and that it's something you can make happen all by yourself so that you won't be dependent upon anyone else's wanting to join you or set things up for you.
2. When you have picked something, do whatever ha to be done to make it completely convenient for you to jump into this activity on the spur of the moment.
If the activity is wood carving or macrame, see that the tools and supplies are laid out ready to hand, so when the time comes you can begin enjoying without the delays of getting ready.
If it's reading, obtain the books or magazines you want and put them in a convenient place so you can get at them at a moment's notice.
If it's going to the library, make sure you know the library hours and plan something just as appealing for the times when it's closed.
3. Now promise yourself that the next time - and every time - you have a Step-4 feeling (frustration, anger, worry, etc.) about something on your kid's-life list, you will not make yourself suffer by dwelling on it or by engaging in a hassle about it, but will instead use this feeling as a signal that you are going to spend the next half-hour on this selected activity.
4. Now do just that.
It would go something like this:
Bill's father has lectured Bill (14) on productive use of his time, but Bill persists in watching television three or four hours a day.
Now, Father walks in, sees that Bill is again sprawled in front of the TV, experiences a pang of dismay about it -- and turns on his heel to go and spend half an hour in the garden, where he is experimenting with different kinds of compost.
Karen (16) has run away and is staying with friends her mother emphatically disapproves of.
She is in misery because she feels a pang of dread every time she thinks of Karen or hears the phone ring or a car approach the house.
Then she remembers this exercise.
The next time she experiences this pang, she listens to it and does something to make it feel better: she gets in the car and goes window-shopping at the local shopping center.
While she's making dinner, Anne's mother gets a phone call from the school telling her that Anne (13) has not been at school for two weeks.
She experiences a pang of worry, anger, frustration.
She turns to Anne and says, 'It's a message for you - the school just called to say you had not been there for two weeks.
I get a pang of worry when I get a message like that, and I want to make myself feel better.
Therefore I'm going to take a bubble bath and read my new magazine.'
She turns off the stove and disappears into the bathroom.
Sometimes you may get your Step-4 feeling at a time that is not convenient for you to take a half-hour for yourself.
You may be in the middle of an important business conference, or nursing a baby or studying for an exam of your own.
At times like this, the activity you've set up ahead of time may no longer be what you most want to do with a free half-hour; you may want, instead, to continue with what you're doing.
When this happens, first promise yourself the original half hour, and at some specific time, very soon ('as soon as this conference is over,' or 'at 7 pm tonight') and be resolved to keep this promise.
Then allow yourself immediately to become engrossed in your important current activity and to enjoy it.
The aim here is double; it is to take care of yourself by seeing to it that you enjoy what you are doing, and it is to abstain from focusing negative attention on your son or daughter.
We recommend, also, that you be as ruthless as you possibly can in deciding which activities you will interrupt in order to take your half-hour.
Even if you're in the midst of something the whole family depends on when you get your Step-4 feeling, there's a good chance it would do more for them (and you) to see that you will take care of yourself when something hurts you than to see you dutifully continuing in some 'should' activity for them.
In these last four chapters we have been asking you to drop your controls over your teenager, and we have described the kinds of problems you may run into when you do this.
Now we want to talk about some advantages of doing so.
One of them, of course, is the beneficial effect on your child.
Another important one is this: that as you begin to succeed in dropping controls over your youngster's life, you may become aware of an odd sort of feeling about doing so.
You are dropping something you've been used to for a long time, an old habit, and it may feel strange to you to be without it.
People sometimes experience this feeling as a kind of 'space' within themselves, a sense of a vacuum.
Others describe a new sense of lightness.
It may be a feeling as if a mountain had fallen off your back, or as if something you were used to had been lost, leaving a kind of emptiness.
If you do not know what this feeling is, it can be worrying, even frightening, but we'd like to see you learn to value it.
In this feeling you may be experiencing the space in which you can do your own thing.
In its unfamiliarity it may be a little frightening but, even more, it is precious and extremely important for both you and your teenager
It is in the sense of finding this lost space for yourself - the space in which you can bring your own previously smothered wishes to fulfillment - that the whole problem with your teenager can actually turn out to be a positive thing for you.
That problem may turn out to have been the exciting factor which got you to take care of and fulfil your own daring possibilities, while at the same time encouraging your teenager to make the most of his or hers.
At this point, if you've read through and thought about this chapter and Chapters 3 and 4, and have done the things we have asked you to do, you're ready to make a formal handing over of the controls for his or her life to your son or daughter.
Go back to pages 47 to 49 of Chapter 2 to do this.
Then proceed to Chapter 6, in which you begin to lay the groundwork for dealing with the parent's-life items by learning to take back responsibility for your own happiness.